Home Based Business Mom

I know the title of this post seems like a downer. It’s not meant to be. Not really anyway.

I just want to touch on the topic of being a mom and how it kinda forces us to *let go* of who we were pre-kids.

Now before you scream….”Hey….having kids has made me a better person!” And “My life would have no meaning with out my kids….”

Yes - yes - of course. I feel the same way.

But in recent discussions and emails - I have come to find out that many of us, secretly….miss our BK (before kid) selves. Maybe it was the hips without stretch marks we miss. Maybe that sounds trivial, but damn….those were nice, flawless hips. YES - I got a baby out of it. YES….I grew a person inside of me and witnessed the miracle of birth…..
But - seriously…..FLAWLESS - no stretch-marked hips, tummies, boobs?? Doesn’t that deserve at least an “Amen”?

AMEN.

Alrighty then…

For some of us….it might not be the physical attributes we miss…..maybe it’s the time we used to have to ourselves. That doesn’t make us selfish. EVERYONE needs time to themselves. It’s not a crime.

Maybe it was the peace and quiet we miss?

Maybe it was the ability to just walk out the door at a moments notice to catch a movie with a friend. Or even take a weekend trip.

None of these longings for the BK days makes any of us a bad person. We’re human.

I love my kids. No…wait….I LOVE my kids. But with summer break upon me….and the kids out of school and already breathing down my neck….I feel ok with saying…..”I miss me.” Just ever so quietly I whisper…..”I miss you Kelly…..the before you were married and had kids Kelly. You were funny, you were spontaneous, you were young, you were pretty….”

Now…I typed that and then I sat back in my chair….
I read it. And re-read it. I thought….do I sound bitter? Melancholy?

No. I sound like a woman that’s living her life. Looking forward to tomorrow, but reflecting on the past. Isn’t that what makes us the person we are? Isn’t that the JOURNEY of life?

My life is good. I don’t want to be 16 again. I wouldn’t change my past. Not a minute of it. Because you know what….I’m still funny, spontaneous, young and pretty. That person is still
a part of me. She’s the one that laughed until she cried on the couch today with her two kids watching “Adventures in Babysitting” and having a popcorn fight and being farted on by our huge Labrador that wanted in on the fun! She’s the one that decided to hop in the car tonight and go get some ice cream. She’s the one that is ONLY 42, in the prime of her life. She’s the one with wrinkles and some gray hair - but still sees the “beauty” in her uniqueness and her contribution to the world when she looks at her children.

It dawns on me…
These kids…
These very people that take, take, take so much of us - wow…..what they give back, and what they replace in us….
It’s magical. It’s nourishing. It’s fulfilling.

So I guess… what I meant by the title of this post was….our “former selves” are meant to be lonely. It’s ok. We don’t really want to be that person again. That person doesn’t hold a candle to who we are now. But it’s ok to stop a moment and say hello to that “former you” in the shadows of who YOU are today. That person is meant to be missed and acknowledged. How do we learn, grow and discover if we don’t say hello to that person and all they’ve shown us through the years?

And those kids? The ones breathing down our necks this summer??

In their eyes….. and in their memories….the little timeless, ageless snippets of their childhood that they will hold on to forever…..we will always be pretty, young, spontaneous and funny.
—
Be sure to share this post or your comments below! I want to know what you’re thinking RIGHT now! - Kelly

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I’ve gotten a lot of emails lately asking me about my GERD and how I’m doing. Thanks to everyone concerned.

I have to say….I’m better. Much better. Cured? I don’t know?

I’m on my last month of Prevacid Sol-U-Tabs. (The only thing that worked for me!)

I haven’t had another nighttime choking spell (unable to breathe for over 45 seconds!) since that one episode in November 2007. Thank goodness. I still get a little anxiety from that. I am sure that’s normal. I mean, come on - to those of you who have never had the nightmare of being unable to breathe - it’s scary as all get out!

Looking back - at it’s worst - the chest pain, trips to the ER, anxiety, choking….I see that my stress level and my weight were key factors. I’ve never been HUGE. But I carried 10 extra pounds per baby - so an extra 20 pounds by 2005. At my highest I was 155! I am only 5′4″ - so that’s a lot of extra weight for me. I weighed about 132 when I got married. I’ve never been a rail thin person…..so 132 was perfect for me.

I’m down to 145 and still working on getting to at least 138. Those are a stubborn 7 pounds!

My work was very stressful in 2007 and I was still reeling from my Dad’s early death at 58, my Mom’s second bout of breast cancer, my daughter being bitten in the face by a dog and needing plastic surgery, my websites crashing without back-ups, my dog I’d had for 16 years having to be put down, a lot of debt, packing and moving to a new house and location that I absolutely hated (but have since learned to love and look at it now as a blessing!)….

It was a lot. My stress and extra weight manifested physically as GERD. I’ve always been a pretty laid back person - Type A - but still laid back…..weird, I know?!

Today I continue to work on losing weight, I do yoga and meditate. I go for walks and try to not work late even though I run my own business. I’m learning to let stuff just roll off my shoulders and not internalize it. I eat a lot more organic foods and have gone back to using meat only as a condiment. Not a total vegetarian like I was for 15 years, but also not a full fledged meat eater like I was in 2007 either.

I eat lots of oatmeal, salads and fresh fruit. I eat brown rice too. I’m learning to eat salmon more…but ugh, I really don’t like it. But I have eaten it a little bit. I eat tuna as well.

I’m learning to listen to my body and treat my body like it’s the only one I’ve got (because it is!)
I’m learning that I am a person that can’t stuff my feelings down my throat and suck it up all the time. That might work for some, but for me - it goes against everything I am. And after 38 years of doing it….the damn broke - and I just needed to voice my opinion about things and express how I felt about it.

I was the type of person that listened to everyone’s problems, I was their clown, their confidant, their escape. But when it came time for me to lean on someone…..I was answered with…”What’s your problem?” Or…”Why are you so grouchy?” They wanted their “funny Kelly”, their “laid back Kelly”. Well…that Kelly was exhausted from one way friendships and not having any support in return. I wish, now at 42 - I had seen all this as it was going down - but I wanted so much to PLEASE and be everything to everyone. PEOPLE - this WILL suck the ever-lovin life right out of you! I promise.

So I lean on my husband a little more, some friendships are over - they were draining and I had to walk away. I have new friendships - which was hard for me at first. I’m outgoing - but I’m still a little shy right out of the gate.

I picked up a hobby I love besides gardening - it’s scrapbooking and rubber stamping. I love it. I even become a StampinUp Demonstrator because I love it so much.

I make time for my family. I try to walk away from my business on the weekends and NO computer or very minimal.

My advice….if you’re suffering from GERD….
Take a good, hard look at your life right now. Be honest.
Are you treating your body well? Are you over-weight? When was the last time you GAVE your body the exercise it wants and craves? What are you eating and drinking? Do you have a real support system around you? Real friends?

Try and find ways to relieve your stress. I know this sounds like asking you to perform brain surgery - because it was very hard for me. To just sit still for 10 minutes and do nothing was like asking me dive off a cliff. It was scary. Be ALONE with my own THOUGHTS?? Clear my mind and not keep it going at 100 mph?? It’s NOT easy.

I’ll be anxious to get my next “scope up the nose and down the throat” check done. Hopefully it doesn’t look like raw hamburger down there anymore from the acid.

I no longer have the constant cough after I eat, sore throat, constant chest pain, feeling asthmatic….

There was no overnight answer in my case. It took time, trial and error.

I go to a chiropractor now as well.  I think that is helping too.

So it’s a mix of things that have helped with my GERD.

But weight and stress - I think, as with most illnesses….those are two things to look at closely. I denied stress for years. Just kept stuffing it down, down, down. It will surface eventually and with a vengence.

So that is my update for now. And I appreciate everyone that’s emailed and commented on the whole GERD drama I’ve been through. And those of you that are going through the same thing….you’ve found a place to talk about it. I always try to respond to any comments or posts. I know I’m not a doctor or anything - but I do think it helps to talk about it and just find common ground with someone else. It’s nice to know you’re not alone.

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You can tell me…
Because you can trust me.

It’s just you and I talking here - one on one.

Do you take your Blackberry to bed with you? Your iPhone? Your laptop?
Do you have to give it a couple of update checks just one more time before you actually go to bed?

Maybe you plan to go to bed, and then two hours later you find you’re still doing Twitter updates and answering emails?

What happened to actually going to bed?

And as my husband rolls his eyes while I type this post on my laptop IN bed - what happened to sex? “You’re all ‘a twitter for Twitter more than for my hot manhood!”

OK….he didn’t say that. My husband would never say “manhood”. I just took that straight out of cornball romance novels.

But he DID roll his eyes.

According to an article published on ZDNet this week:

“More than 1 in 4 employees are so tethered to laptops and smartphones that they can’t    resist taking them to bed with them before sleeping, according to a small survey released today.”

You’d think because I work at home - I wouldn’t feel the need to bring my laptop up to bed, or carry my iPhone with me like it’s some type of device that keeps my heart working. But I do.

I wonder….for those of you like me….are we waiting for some kind of ULTIMATE EMAIL?
ULTIMATE TEXT MESSAGE? FACEBOOK POST? TWITTER RESPONSE?

Is there an invitation to the White House, maybe even better… to Madonna’s house we’re waiting on? Do we think we’re going to be asked to host the Oscars? Is Oprah right now posting something on our Facebook page?  An invite to help host her Fridays Live show maybe?

What is it that compels us to carry that little smartphone around? Or to bring a laptop to bed when we already have a home office??

I honestly don’t know?

I mean - I could be sleeping right now - letting my body rest and rejuvenate itself. Give my brain some much needed down time. I could be having awesome sex right now with a man I love. A man I chose to spend the rest of my life with that is - totally sexy and a fabulous lover. (He will blush when he reads this tomorrow - but he knows that he’s awesome!)

Oh but nooooooo….
I gotta check my iPhone for any new tweets. I mean….My GOD, how can I sleep if I don’t know what John Mayer and Kirstie Ally are doing right THIS minute. How?? I ask you, how??

And hey….not get a post out on my blog? I gotta get that done. So let me fire up that laptop as I plop into my bed.

My sleepless, sexless bed.

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