OK…
I’m not usually someone that goes around talking about farting.
I promise….I don’t.
Passing gas, wind, tooting, bottom burps, butt bark, crunchy frog, cushion creepers, poots, cutting the cheese, flatulate, butt yodeling….. Whatever you want to call it – it’s not one of my prized topics that I hold dearly and wait at any given party to begin discussing.
But everybody farts.
Dr. Oz on Oprah said most people fart at least 14 times a day.
Yes…YOU over there…..acting like you’ve never farted before – YOU FART. And we know it.
Most of us….
And I have asked – so I know…..try to suppress farting when others are around. Or at least walk into another area – away from other people.
Oh there are those folks – that just don’t give a flip. Pity their victims.
For instance…
Maybe you’re the lady that was in the pet food isle at Target the other day that let one fly when my daughter and I came near you to grab a box of Milkbones for our beloved lab, Graycie. I mean….if you wanted the isle ALL to yourself, don’t fart all over us like a territorial skunk?! We can get the milkbones later, trust me! A dirty look might have worked just as well.
Anyway….back to me….and MY farting situation.
I was told by my doctor that adding the recommended daily allowance of fiber to my diet would help me feel full, lose weight, get rid of any constipation issues (OH man…..when I’m on vacation – I don’t poop the entire time!! My husband is afraid I’ll explode or something!) Anyway….again – I’m off topic. But….I took the doctor’s advice and the next time I went to the store I started looking for HIGH fiber items besides the typical ones like fresh fruit and veggies – because I eat a lot of those anyway.
Low and behold in the cereal isle…..Fiber ONE. How easy…..simple.
Fiber ONE bars. Have you seen these?? They are yummy. And add 35% to your daily fiber total just by eating one bar! Wow!
Well…I threw a box in my shopping cart…and thought….hey…why not two boxes….
OH and some Fiber ONE cereal….yes!
I started eating the bars every day before my daily one hour walk. As a matter of fact I counted it as my breakfast when I wasn’t eating Fiber ONE cereal which adds something like 47% to your daily fiber BOTTOM line. Talk about getting the mail moving! That’s a lot of fiber.
Anyway….after about 4 days of this….I was noticing a trend. A trend I didn’t like. I was becoming a chronic-farter after eating this stuff. It was like clockwork! Four hours after I indulged …I was a tooting machine. Not just a few toots here and there….I’m talking about every 30 seconds….the lady in the isle of Target…had nothing on me.
I thought….my 13 year old son and all his friends at Boy Scout Camp couldn’t keep up with me.
These were uncontrollable toots too!! I couldn’t go anywhere for fear my suppression skills I’d fine tuned over the years (my husband has never heard me fart besides when I was in labor with our first son!! I had been given an epidural – so I had no control over my lower body!! ONLY then did one little one slip by!! And it scared my husband to death. He thought it was the wheels on the bed I was in and the bed could roll away at any time.)
If there were a fart supression certification classification – I was at the top, like ‘go ahead and give me the blue ribbon’ top!
But no matter how I tried….I couldn’t keep my little smelly jury sequestered. They just kept “talking”!!
Case in point:
My 7 year old daughter was playing Webkinz on the laptop in my office and said, “Mommy are you farting?” I was like…..”Uhhh….no, my chair is just squeaking.” Honest to goodness…..I was trying. She’s SEVEN – she wasn’t falling for it. Maybe a 3 year old might….because they are kinda stinky anyway….but this Diva was not having it. She promptly moved to another room without even dignifying my explanation for all the racket I was making.
I thought….I’m running off my family with my GAS?? I’m under house arrest with this “problem” because God forbid I go anywhere…..especially not Target….then I’d be the
Pet Isle Farting Bandit. Worse than a bandit….I’d be like an environmental hazard. They’d put orange cones around me.
My husband joked that I had just reached a point in my life where all those held in farts where rebelling. Thanks honey….it’s so nice that you care. I mean…..my colon could fall out of my butt at any time with all these fumes brewing…..but it’s good of you to let me know your thoughts and they are SO compassionate. Note to self: Be sure to eat a Fiber One bar 4 hours before I get in bed with my husband when I’m mad at him!!
Anyway…..seriously…
The Fiber ONE experiment has now been shut down. I can no longer participate. I’m just going to stick with fruits and veggies and high fiber breads. I know fiber is good for ya…..I really do. Lots of water, fresh fruit and veggies, whole grain breads….well…they can give you the same benefits. I’m certainly not knocking any of these HIGH fiber products like Fiber ONE. No way…..I bet most people have a wonderful experience with them. But me….
I’d almost rather deal with downing a colonoscopy prep kit, maybe even a colon cleansing.
Who knows…..maybe another high fiber product will come on the market and I’ll feel brave enough to try it out.
As a matter of fact…
I did see that Fiber ONE now has a high fiber yogurt. Has like 20% of your daily fiber needs. That’s nice….think I’ll pass (less gas).
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That was a great article! I have to tell you my piece. I am deaf..and I couldn’t care less if anyone heard my farts. I never thought people could hear farts anyways..because I couldn’t hear my own. I let them RIP! I mean I always let it go..because I couldn’t hear it. When I got my cochlear implant…did I realize. Damn…those farts are noisy! Did that stop me from farting in public? Nope. I get alot of gas..and trust me, it feels SO much better when you blow a good one! I too am one of those people that can’t “go” when I’m not home. It is true…your home is your castle! Now you know why farts smell…so deaf people can appreciate them….Happy farting!