To the tune of “Farmer in the Dell”:

Bad karma in my Dell….
Bad karma in my Dell…
Oh no, more hysteria…
Bad karma in my Dell.

I am forever amused at the issues I have had with my pricey Dell computer. Just when I think it cannot…no way….get any worse. It out does itself. I thought the expensive monitor acting up was the last straw. I thought NO way, no how… could I have more issues. Other than it just imploding upon itself – or me taking a flame thrower to it – it cannot….CANNOT keep messing with my mind. Let alone….my business!

But now…
Hilariously….
It will not shut off.
Nope….it’s like it’s saying…..”Screw you lady. You’ve done nothing but talk bad about me. I realize I’m a loser of a computer….and I realize you lost a crap load of money by buying me – but ya know what….I’m not even going to shut off now. I’m going to haunt you woman. Haunt YOU!! You will hear the jet engine like hum of my innards cranking for eternity. Defy me….go ahead….unplug me…I will still keep running!! You will never be rid of my sucky ass performance. Not even when you finally save up another $4000 to replace me and my evil counterpart Monitor. NEVER!!”

For the last couple of nights….this thing will not shut down. It just says….”Windows is shutting down….”

OK….
I understand Windows needs to shut down. That’s fine. But what are we talking here?? Days? Weeks?

I really don’t care if this is a hardware issue….a software issue…..an operating system issue. It stills falls under the category, “Dell Sucks”.

After 15 months of absolute despair – Dell wins.
I surrender. I absolutely give up on this damn thing.

It’s useless. The Gold Warranty is useless. The tech support is useless.

Who is building these things? Gremlins?? Did someone take a peanut butter and jelly sandwich break when they were building this one? I like a good PB&J myself  – but what the freak? Did the person just check out totally?? Did they forget to test it? Or was it like kids building stuff out of legos? “Errr….that looks right I guess…I mean….what the hay….quality control is ran by chimps and they are on a banana break anyway.”

This Dell computer and Dell monitor cost me $4000. That’s $267 a month for the 15 months I’ve owned it.
Can you believe that? I’ve actually PAID $267 a month for the last 15 months to be put threw hell. INCREDIBLE.
Child birth was like a soothing vaginal massage compared to the pain and agony that this DELL experience has been.

CHILD BIRTH WAS LIKE A SOOTHING VAGINAL MASSAGE IN COMPARISON!!! I AM NOT KIDDING.
(My husband told me to take the word “vaginal” out of this post…but no….I’m not going to. I seriously need to make my point. I think ‘vaginal’ pretty much gets it across. Don’t you??)

It helps to know I’m not alone…

I Hate Dell Forum
Tech Support Forum
Dell Computer Corporation Pissed Consumer

So fine….the damn thing won’t shut off now. I’m unplugging it. Whatever….
Will it ever crank on again?? Probably….with the voice of Satan emitting from the hardrive. “How dare you shut me off?!! I am ALL powerful. You will continue to feel my wrath. I have many, many more error screens to torture you with. Weep and wallow in the sorrow that I bring to your life. I find pleasure in it right down to my smallest fuse and resister.”

I swear….I wonder sometimes if this isn’t some kind of reality show focused on breaking people….bringing them to their knees in frustration. Are there cameras hidden around here??

I’m spending most days on my HP laptop for now. I actually get stuff done and without the errors, blips and parade of issues.

Mark my words….one day I will save up the money to replace this Dell. I will dance like a child….I will shout at the top of my lungs with joy. It will be a grand day indeed.

Until then…
I will keep reviving this sucker. CPU CPR.

Making up little diddies doesn’t hurt either

Altogether now….

Oooohhhhhhh……
Bad karma in my Dell….
Bad karma in my Dell…

Dearest Dell-Robert_P,

I’m having a hard time believing that a Small Business Liaison from DELL would contact me through my blog regarding my DELL 2407FPW monitor issue considering everything I’ve gone through to try and get my DELL computer fixed over the past year??

Now….let me wrap my brain around this.

:::smacks forehead with hand:::

The on/off button doesn’t work on my DELL 2407FPW monitor and out of the blue a Small Business Liaison at DELL contacts me through the comment form on my blog?

:::Brain is still trying to figure out if I’m being Punk’d or what:::

I’m not sure what to think???

It’s like being contacted by a mythological creature!!
And I’m not trying to be funny!

Where were you when my “cost me a kidney” DELL XPS710 with all the bells and whistles started acting up within the first two weeks after purchase?? I don’t remember a single DELL Small Business Liaison uttering a word when I was on the phone with Shoeb_158101 or Shakeel_151074 or Sushma_103306 or Sajid_Ahmad_0111445 or even Thomas_117543??? OH and how about when one of these lovely so-called support techs asked me to “hoist up” my 75 pound computer, remove the cover off of it and start switching wires around!!!? Isn’t that what “Onsite Service” support is for? Ya know…the “Onsite Service” support I PAID for by getting the GOLD warranty! I didn’t realize it meant that ME….a woman with absolutely no computer hardware skills whatsoever was going to be appointed, “Take your computer apart and fish around in there unplugging stuff ” Tech!? The only thing true about DELL’s “Onsite Service Support” is that YOU, the customer, will be doing the ONSITE tech work yourself IN your own HOME while trying to hold the phone up to your ear listening to someone who knows probably as much as you do read a manual to you in broken English.

But again….didn’t see any DELL Small Business Liaison hiding in my bushes or on my front porch ready to give me a hand.
Have YOU lifted 75 pounds lately?? It’s freakin heavy!

Or how about the total jerk supervisor that made me cry and beg for a new motherboard – heard no DELL Small Business Liaison breathing heavy into the phone eager to help me??? Or how about the total doofus subcontractor DELL sent to install the new ‘begged for’ motherboard…only to tell me, “It won’t boot up – here’s the number for Tech Support.” Where were you then?? Do NOT pass Go – do NOT collect $200. But DO get a prescription for Xanax – you’re gonna need it!!

Dell-Robert_P….maybe you’re new with DELL. Maybe you’re just a nice guy. Maybe – by some miracle, you’re American and speak really good English…..I don’t know? Some say Bigfoot really does exist.

But the only way you can make this right is to refund my $3990.33 or to send me another system and monitor spec’d exactly as this set of junk I have now and give me a direct line to someone in your REAL tech support department that gives a crap about MY account, the money I spend with DELL AND knows how to help me when I have troubleshooting issues …which at this point….pretty much comes standard with any DELL, correct?

I’m not trying to be a bitch. I’m not trying to be difficult. But this so called “Total Satisfaction Return Policy” blah blah…and Gold Warranty blah blah and the three ring circus that has been my experience (my LIFE) since I bought this DELL system leaves me exhausted, exasperated and all out of faith in DELL.

Sincerely,

Kelly Land
HomeBasedBusinessMom